It's important for us to recognize how we behave when we arecommunicating with others. Find the communication style you most use when in a negative state:
BOSSING
- Justifying Oneself
- Fighting for Control
- Talking Angrily
- Pushing
- Ordering
- Cornering
- Lecturing or Preaching... in a demanding, overbearing manner
- Patronizing... talking down to others
- Intrusive Statements or Questions
- Whining - Crying - Complaining of being ill
COST- Receivers will likely respond to you with such behavior as hostility, rebellion, distrust, distance, fatigue, depression, and sometimes physical symptoms, and even serious emotional illness.
- You may be viewed as someone to b e feared and avoided; or as someone to be connected to for protection, for the "power" umbrella" you provide.
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DISTANCING- Talking in an uninterested, aloof manner - intellectualizing - talking in a robot-like manner - ignoring the feelings of the other person(s) - Using humor that creates distance - Wandering - talking off the subject - talking evasively - Refusing to reveal one's convictions, desires, etc.
COST- Relationships may dwindle and become dehumanized, mechanical, and devoid of warmth.
- Apathy may set in, replacing joy, a zest of living, friendship, andsensitivity.
- Life may become meaningless.
- Receivers may reach out to other people in unhealthy ways in search of warmth, acceptance, and friendship.
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PUNISHING- Blaming the other person(s)
- Demeaning, belittling, or ridiculing the other person(s)
- Finding fault
- Using sarcasm
COST- Receivers feel hurt, resentful, angry, and even vengeful.
- They may take action to strike back at you in an attempt to get revenge.
- They may respond with depression, physical symptoms and even loss of identity and "nervous breakdowns."
- You will be viewed as someone who is dangerous.
- They will likely feel the need to protect themselves from you either by distancing from you or moving under your "power umbrella."
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SOLICITING ATTENTION- Bragging, parading oneself, dropping names
- Talking in a pompous, self-righteous manner
- Interrupting, competing for focus, drawing attention to oneself at the expense of another person
- Monopolizing the conversation, talking with little or no request for feedback
- Seeking service or approval from others
- Seeking to please inappropriately
- Using a sweet, syrupy tone of voice
COST- You may be seen by receivers as insensitive and not truly interested in hearing their thoughts and feelings.
- Receivers may become bored or irritated.
- They may stop listening to you (shut you out).
- Receivers may learn to feel inferior to you and to resent you.
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SURRENDERING- Abandoning one's own wants, wishes, or desires (giving in) as the other person (s) is/are behaving vertically.
- Showing evidence of feeling fearful (e.g., heavy breathing, change in pitch of voice, etc.) as other person is acting vertically.
- Agreeing after the other person has persistently used distancing.
COST- Without corrective feedback, receivers are not likely to change theirinappropriate behaviors.
- They may learn to tyrannize you.
- You may lose your self-esteem and sense of security.
- You may develop chronic fatigue, headaches, neck aches, intestinal problems, anxiety and depression, and perhaps your interest in living.
- You will likely lose the respect of the receivers.
- In the extreme, you may lose your identity, suffer mental illness or contemplate suicide.
(G. Hugh Allred, 1976, 1986)
- Justifying Oneself
- Fighting for Control
- Talking Angrily
- Pushing
- Ordering
- Cornering
- Lecturing or Preaching... in a demanding, overbearing manner
- Patronizing... talking down to others
- Intrusive Statements or Questions
- Whining - Crying - Complaining of being ill
COST
- Receivers will likely respond to you with such behavior as hostility, rebellion, distrust, distance, fatigue, depression, and sometimes physical symptoms, and even serious emotional illness.
- You may be viewed as someone to b e feared and avoided; or as someone to be connected to for protection, for the "power" umbrella" you provide.
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DISTANCING
- Talking in an uninterested, aloof manner - intellectualizing - talking in a robot-like manner - ignoring the feelings of the other person(s) - Using humor that creates distance - Wandering - talking off the subject - talking evasively - Refusing to reveal one's convictions, desires, etc.
COST
- Relationships may dwindle and become dehumanized, mechanical, and devoid of warmth.
- Apathy may set in, replacing joy, a zest of living, friendship, andsensitivity.
- Life may become meaningless.
- Receivers may reach out to other people in unhealthy ways in search of warmth, acceptance, and friendship.
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PUNISHING
- Blaming the other person(s)
- Demeaning, belittling, or ridiculing the other person(s)
- Finding fault
- Using sarcasm
COST
- Receivers feel hurt, resentful, angry, and even vengeful.
- They may take action to strike back at you in an attempt to get revenge.
- They may respond with depression, physical symptoms and even loss of identity and "nervous breakdowns."
- You will be viewed as someone who is dangerous.
- They will likely feel the need to protect themselves from you either by distancing from you or moving under your "power umbrella."
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SOLICITING ATTENTION
- Bragging, parading oneself, dropping names
- Talking in a pompous, self-righteous manner
- Interrupting, competing for focus, drawing attention to oneself at the expense of another person
- Monopolizing the conversation, talking with little or no request for feedback
- Seeking service or approval from others
- Seeking to please inappropriately
- Using a sweet, syrupy tone of voice
COST
- You may be seen by receivers as insensitive and not truly interested in hearing their thoughts and feelings.
- Receivers may become bored or irritated.
- They may stop listening to you (shut you out).
- Receivers may learn to feel inferior to you and to resent you.
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SURRENDERING
- Abandoning one's own wants, wishes, or desires (giving in) as the other person (s) is/are behaving vertically.
- Showing evidence of feeling fearful (e.g., heavy breathing, change in pitch of voice, etc.) as other person is acting vertically.
- Agreeing after the other person has persistently used distancing.
COST
- Without corrective feedback, receivers are not likely to change theirinappropriate behaviors.
- They may learn to tyrannize you.
- You may lose your self-esteem and sense of security.
- You may develop chronic fatigue, headaches, neck aches, intestinal problems, anxiety and depression, and perhaps your interest in living.
- You will likely lose the respect of the receivers.
- In the extreme, you may lose your identity, suffer mental illness or contemplate suicide.
